Pulitzer Prize Dishonors: Cartel Monkeys and Prisoner Sensitivity

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. Let’s get to the best examples of journalistic failure-excellence in order to properly identify the low watermark within the media.

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

• Maysoon Kahn – Associated Press

With crime rampant in New York State, Governor Kathy Hochul took a bold move. She wants prisoners to feel ashamed. The governor made a bold move to end crime in New York. She said that the state would no longer call convicted prisoners “inmates” and will instead change their status to “incarcerated persons.” Khan explained how this will be achieved.

The changes, signed into law Monday by Gov. Kathy Hochul is a lawyer whose goal it to lessen the stigma associated with being in prison.

New York has amended several state laws to remove the word “inmate” and replace it with “incarcerated person” to refer to people serving prison time. https://t.co/b2RfEJ6WcY

— The Associated Press (@AP) August 12, 2022

Distinguished National Reporting

• Chris Isidore – CNN

This is taking the act of gaslighting to all new lows. CNN wanted to be part of the chorus that is trying to convince us the economy is doing well. Isidore makes a lame attempt to convince us that gas prices today aren’t as high as they were a month ago. We are told to feel happy because gas today is not as painful and oppressive than it was a month ago.

Next time you stop at a gas station, think of it as a $100-a-month tax cut. Or a maybe $100-a-month raise. https://t.co/7FOuCRfrJt

— CNN (@CNN) August 19, 2022

Distinguished Editorial Writing

• Simon Jenkins – The Guardian

This one has the “freedom from oppression” vibe. It’s hard to find much else to say about an author, columnist and broadcaster who offers a beautifully Orwellian proposition like this.

Do you want free speech to thrive? Then it has to be regulated, now more than ever | Simon Jenkins https://t.co/lbtjL6tsvm

— The Guardian (@guardian) August 15, 2022

Distinguished International Reporting

• CBS News

Gunfights have been a major cause of death in recent Mexican cartel violence. One was a cartel member, a monkey wearing a camo jacket with a bulletproof vest.

Monkey in “bullet-proof” vest found dead after bloody cartel shootout in Mexico https://t.co/ylL44wwWcR

— CBS Mornings (@CBSMornings) June 20, 2022

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

• Zach Seemayer – Entertainment Tonight

There has been a lot of criticism of the Disney+ Disney+ movie “She-Hulk, Attorney at Law”. But we should appreciate the effort that was put into this…boondoggle. This production was a success because of the hard work and dedication of all involved.

Jamela Jamil explains the injury that she sustained while filming.

“Oh, I did it all! Jamil stated that she did all the stunts and action scenes. Jamil said that she was experiencing pain in an area where I didn’t even know existed. She said, “You’ll likely have to bleep it out, but I pulled an muscle in my ahole,” “I didn’t know that was possible!”

Jameela Jamil reveals NSFW injury she suffered while filming ‘She-Hulk: Attorney at Law.’ https://t.co/oxznxqEa2t

— ELLIOT IN THE MORNING (@EITMonline) August 18, 2022

Distinguished Local Reporting

• Crawford County Now

Dateline – Bucyrus, Ohio. Controversy has swirled around Abigail Brocwell, Queen of the Bratwurst Festival. The turmoil around the Court began to build for some time. As a result, Abigail Brocwell, Queen of Bratwurst Festival was ordered to hand over her crowns and sashes to the officials at the pageant. Although details are still sketchy, it seems Brocwell went to a Baltimore festival that was not sanctioned. Although she was not a Bratwurst Festival representative but a civilian, Brocwell appears to have broken the rules and has been forced to give up her crown.

• Crawford County Now has learned that Brocwell was ordered to turn in the gifts she received from sponsors of the festival or face criminal charges.

Ousted Queen issues statement https://t.co/snHC4ZYcdo

— Crawford County Now (@crawfordnow) August 16, 2022

Distinguished Coverage In Frozen Desserts (The Joe Biden Honor)

• Aly Walensky – The Food Network

While we have just been afflicted by the loss of Choco Taco’s iconic chocolate chip cookie, there may be a sweet relief. Miller Lite has teamed up with an ice cream manufacturer to create ice cream bars which will be reminiscent of the dive bars. This isn’t a typo. It refers to the “Dove Bars” fame. Miller Brewing intends to freeze the flavor of spent peanut shells and a smokey aftertaste.

Incredible. Ice Cream Bars: The Champagne of Ice Cream! https://t.co/QtkyS65QCL

— Ethan Klein (@realEAKlein) August 16, 2022

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