The Secrets of Women Getting Men to Heaven

Earlier this year, my mother’s side of the family gathered in the mountains of Western Virginia to bury my grandmother, who had died at the age of 99. She would be joining her husband, my grandfather, who was buried a decade before in a small cemetery hidden in the woods, owned by a local Church of the Brethren congregation that first came to the Shenandoah Valley in the 1700s. Though my grandparents both were Catholic, my grandfather had wanted to be buried in the remote Virginia mountains he loved.

The funeral and the subsequent visit with my family was in memory of my grandmother. She was well deserving of our remembrance. After being a loving wife and mother of five children, she later raised two grandchildren after one of her daughters unexpectedly died. Great-grandmother and grandmother, she was also a faithful Catholic and attended Mass every day and prayed the rosary. However, many of those memories that were shared over the weekend with family members eventually returned to me.

In one way, this seems to be wrong. My grandmother was kind and patient, and my grandfather held grudges. My grandmother was eager to make everyone feel welcome; my grandfather was often eager to make sure people didn’t overstay their welcome. My grandmother was able to live with those who were not her political or religious views; my grandfather, on the other hand, could quickly raise his temper when people asked him questions. Her mother was kind and generous. He was hard-working.

Why would the reflections of our families naturally be drawn to him and not her? Why would we reflect on his words and his accomplishments? Maybe because we are wired to long for strong, loving, capable father figures. There’s a deep-seated desire for fatherhood in the human condition.

There are plenty of scientific evidence to support this. Among the negative indicators for low father involvement are increased likelihood of incarceration, substance abuse, and depression, according to the Child and Family Research Partnership. “Father involvement using authoritative parenting (loving and with clear boundaries and expectations) leads to better emotional, academic, social, and behavioral outcomes for children,” according to the Children’s Bureau, which serves at-risk kids.

There is also a theological link. Theologians acknowledge that God the Father isn’t a biological man–He is pure spirit. The fact that He is described as masculine in Scripture–and the “the Son” is the begotten from Him–shows that biblical focus on the divine isn’t accidental. God is the Law-giver and foremost Authority, as well as the One who blesses and protects His children.

For most of humanity’s history across many cultures, fathers played this role at the basic level. In fact, in many societies, subcultures and countries, they still do. It’s telling that one of the best indicators for determining if children will attend church as adults is if their father goes to church. It’s not surprising that if God placed in us the desire to have our fathers be the highest authority in our families, then their decision to attend church will impact the religious beliefs of our children.

This was certainly the case with my grandfather’s grandchildren. Today, all four are active Christians who regularly attend Catholic and Protestant churches. Their father became increasingly critical and frustrated with the Church during his later years but he continued to go.

He was an example of ingenuity and service. After hearing his parents discuss their dire financial position during the Great Depression, his father decided to drop out of school and get a job in order to help pay for his family’s expenses. He was a great Coast Guard officer during World War II. His natural talent for art was so evident that he was admitted to a New York City school of fine arts after the war. Because his family was growing, he declined the offer. He took a tremendous risk in his 40s and started his own business, which was not only successful, but which he sold for enough to retire on. After his retirement, he provided for his family. He also had two grandsons.

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But of all his accomplishments, the most important was probably marrying my grandmother. He will always remember his grandmother for her love and stability. She was the one who provided a stable, consistent home environment for his children which allowed him to achieve professional success. She was the one who endured him for over sixty years. She was the one who prayed tirelessly for him.

It is possible my grandfather could have chosen a more prestigious career path. One that was not solely focused on his family, but a career as an artist. It’s possible, however that not all of that would have been enough. There are many talented artists I know who were never able to earn a living from their art. And regardless of the success of that imagined life, without the mediating influence of my grandmother, he might have been far more prickly and cantankerous than the man we knew.

Without my grandmother, my grandfather might have become a lonely, miserable old codger–or, worse, married a narcissistic urbanite akin to the women in Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities. My grandmother gave him a dignified and almost mythic persona, which was a great source of inspiration and wisdom for his grandchildren and children. He might have fallen into vainglory and cynicism without my grandmother. He was able to keep his faith strong and create an environment for his grandchildren and children, where they could grow up and have their own families and live the American dream.
In other words, my grandmother enabled a man with some gifts and grit likely to become far more than he ever would have been on his own. It may not be her wit, eloquence, or deeds her progeny most easily remember, but we remember those of my grandfather because of her. She was the ballast. You are more important than you think to your children and the world. Your ability to fulfill your duties will depend on how well your wife does. She must be patient and industrious as well as loving. Choose wisely.