Hutchinson’s testimony had one CNN media analyst particularly struck by her performance. Parodic mode is how we take it further.
To say that the media was overwhelmed by Cassidy Hutchinson’s Tuesday appearance at the hearing on January 6 is an understatement. This is because many reactions to the event were exaggerated. Editors Tuesday afternoon were given a rush to get “dramatic”, “Historic”, “Watergate-level” and any other hyperbolic descriptions. CNN’s David Zurawik was perhaps the most effusive.
Zurawik was positively buzzing with excitement after Cassidy’s performance. “What a remarkable TV moment,” he enthused. He went on to describe her appearance as “brave and electrifying testimony. ” And he was not done. David escalated the tensions to unbearable levels.
Cassidy Hutchinson spoke with power and energy of truth and history. It’s all about truth and power. Shame on those who weren’t there Jan. 6, but refused to tell the committee or American people what they heard.
— David Zurawik (@davidzurawik) June 28, 2022
As a result Dave will release a book at the Tuesday hearing. His impressions from that day were captured in flowing prose, which we’ve come to love from CNN media wordsmith. We obtained an excerpt of Zurawik’s impending release, The Insurrection of the Heart. Bask in his ardent locution
CHAPTER 3: The Truth-Swept Chamber
Cassidy strode in with a confidence that belied her seemingly naive status. Although she had barely reached the quarter century mark, her charm and charisma engulfed the room. As her stunning visage struck everyone, males and females alike gasped in disbelief. She was splendid in an ivory outfit that was contrasted by her flowing auburn hair, and hardly a single eye blink as she moved to take her place before each panel.
Poised, confident, and in full command of the moment, Cassidy proceeded to work her wiles and overtake all who were in attendance. She was so skilled that even a svengali could be impressed by her abilities. She spoke with a fluidity that could be poured onto desserts, and her voice had a sound that could calm an army or sway an archfiend. Her seduction of the room resulted in her flowing verse from this sylphlike form.
This was just the start, because her enticement abilities included more than her aura. She also displayed a great deal of cajolery. Fair Ms. Hutchinson delivered a speech that captivated even the hardestened of cynics. She was dense with facts, and her testimony invaded the minds of doubters. They were unable to deny that she had occupied their worlds of pent desire.
Cassidy spoke of how the former president imposed himself onto the dewy and unsullied form of our cherished founding. He was a rapacious violator of the democratic bosom, tore apart the Constitution as though it were a bodice from a maiden’s figure, and ripped the Bill of Rights like foundation garments. This impeded his desire to force her hand.
Regaled was the audience with the villainous actions of the past leader. The audience gasped at his ferocious stomping on the motorcade, and felt vertiginous when he recounted the evil attack on agents. As Ms. Hutchinson began to recount her incident in the adjacent dining room, the adverse emotions subsided a bit.
Following an outburst, Cassidy was undeterred, and she sought the origin of the snarling echoes. The dining room was her next destination. She was confronted by a disturbing scene of consummation and the White House valet. Like her, Young was outspoken, but was made shy by the apparent rage. Although eyes met, the violence that hung over him prevented any words from being able to be delivered.
She noticed the streak of vinegar on the wall and the crimson-colored rivulet as an obvious sign of her predicated anger. She immediately settled down into a group effort. She climbed onto a towel and threw her arms around the cloth. The effect made her more muscular and highlighted her limbs. As the condiment evidence faded, more vocal outbursts erupted in the halls.
Compelled into action, Cassidy strode with an equine’s athleticism for an office. She felt anxious and the tension was intensifying. A velveteen sheen from sweat settled on her skin as Cassidy quickly wrote a letter to her leader in an attempt to calm her anger. She remained as she was, short of breath, her chest rising with every intake. Beneath that rising ample display, her heart thrummed with acceleration,
Was this her job? Would this bring on more mixed emotions of fear and physical ardors? She thought of the valet and the way the crisis almost drove them both together. He was the one she wanted to see again.
But she was pulled somewhere else. She longed to find solace with the fit steward, but her country required her even more. This was where she found her true passions. After entertaining the crowd she turned her café-hued gaze to the panel again. Her lithe figure now became everyone’s focal point.
The seduction was over. All of us in attendance were hers now. All would willingly go to any location if directed by her. Cassidy was passionate about this country, and we were equally passionate for her.
Mr. Zurawik will publish his book this fall through Capitol Passions (the political imprint at Harlequin Romance Publishing).
[Just in case it needs to be reiterated for the Twitter TOS division or the CNN legal team, the above piece was a work of satire. ]